MC4P Peace in the Body S3E3- relationship repair - what is it?

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Wren
Peace in the body. What is it and how do we experience it? This is the question Wren and Fallon explore in season three of my Mujéres Co-labor for Peace. When it comes to healing and you're stuck in healing, where can we invite in that energetic peace bringing you expert advice and healing from a host of practices and practitioners, Wren and Fallon seek to increase complete wellness and lasting peace.

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Unknown
One insight at a time.

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Unknown
Hey. Hello and welcome to Mujéres Co-labor for Peace season three. I am your host Wren Ribeiro.

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Unknown
And I'm your host, Fallon Stone. And we wish you complete wellness

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Wren
and lasting peace. Today in our season three of peace in the body, we're talking about repair. Repair what it is, why it's important. Yeah, yeah. And you know, we were talking before this about why repair is important is because relationships are important, right?

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Unknown
And we can't have

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Unknown
deeper intimacy without

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Fallon
conscious conflict without repair. And so it is absolutely essential to our relationships, to be able to master the art of repair. Yeah. Or at least try. Yeah, yeah. And keep try and hang in there. I love that phrase conscious conflict. I really love it because, conflict is inevitable. And if we are afraid of conflict, we are almost.

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Wren
It's almost like we're afraid of each other. We're afraid. Oh, there's going to be a conflict somewhere. And I'm just got. I got to preserve myself and protect and wallop and, you know, hunker down, go in my shell and and have, you know, like this or, you know, like there's that that's like a fight flight or freeze or fawn.

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Unknown
All of those different responses. But ever like conflict is inevitable. And as I got more conscious of it. Wow. I can lean in. Yeah. Absolutely. And you know as you're talking about the grip thing, I think for so many people, for the dominant culture, we could say we've been, we've become an increasingly emotionally avoidant collective. Exactly. And I think there's so many reasons for that.

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Unknown
You know we're moving away from intimacy. And in depth in a lot of ways behind screens, us literal screens and the figurative. Yeah. Yeah. The screen. Yeah. And then also for some people, you know, trauma can manifest as anxiety around conflict and being avoidant of conflict. And it can be, so much easier because of our screens and because of this removal of depth and intimacy.

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Unknown
To have something challenging come up in a relationship, not have the bonding or training or consciousness to know how to navigate that. And so then to repress it or to end the relationship or to ghost each other. Right. To be reactive rather than responsive to be it. Just like I have to get out of this and what am I going to do?

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Unknown
And it's an Or it's an emergency. It's urgent. It's it's terrible. It's horrible. Like all the stories of what it what it feels like rather than necessarily what it is because it takes two to tango. Right. And takes it to in any relationship, there's at least two people. And if there's one person who's really got a story that's that's really, alarmist or really in that fear, mode doesn't necessarily mean that the other person's anywhere near that.

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Unknown
And if we're quiet and silently suffering, that other person might be completely oblivious. And then that could be the narrative that happens. Oh, you're oblivious to me, right? That's the spiral. It can happen so easily for all of us in any relationship. Yeah. And to your point, I think we all have a story and we all have our own realities.

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Unknown
And if we don't have the skills to be able to come together and share what that reality is, or to share what our takeaway was or to share what touched us, I mean, relationship in essence is just a mirror. It's just a reflection of our own wounding, of our own stories. And it can be deep places. Yeah, within ourselves and, if we can kind of recognize that, then it doesn't get projected out or internalized.

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Unknown
So we can kind of hold this is my wounding, this is my history. This is my story. Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, I could even be so bold as to say it's impossible to create a completely neutral space between two people. We're not neutral. Absolutely. We have histories. There might be a brief moment where we're taking a collective breath or something.

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Unknown
And, and like we're changing all the time. So yeah. Interpretations or needs spoken or unspoken. That's right. So so much dynamic energy. So much change happening all the time. Yeah. Fully. And if we own our own stories and our experiences and our wounded places, and we take accountability and responsibility for that right in relationship, then it also gives the other person an opportunity to hold our story and hold our world.

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Unknown
You can be gentle and supportive. Yeah. So in this idea of conscious conflict, right,

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Unknown
like bringing consciousness to that and understanding where we're each coming from and what our stories are. Yeah.

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Unknown
And understanding that conflict is a pathway to deeper intimacy. Right. More connection. Because now I know your story and I'm holding your wounded with gentleness, and I'm having more grace.

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Unknown
Yes. And I think that's so valuable. Right, right. Yeah. So we're talking about the, the the reasons why repair is important and, and, and ways to kind of, frame and understand that, conflicts happen and what to do about it. So the theme of repair is like, oh, no, it's not about repair is going to be hard and laborious, and and it's going to take all my energy and I don't have time for it.

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Unknown
Like, I'm too busy, I can't make time for repair, but. Right. Avoidance and,

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Unknown
yes, in repair is, inevitable with conscious conflict.

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Unknown
If you're conscious about the conflict that's happening, you want to come, you want to do the repair, you want to, be good and easeful in your body. That's the peace in the body, right? The whole theme of this season, how do we get there? It's important because it's good for us. It's good for each other. And to want that for all relationships.

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Unknown
Yeah. That's right. And when we're talking about how to have more peace in the body, everything is relationship. Everything is relationship. So really learning how to navigate conflict in relationship, learning how to repair as a pathway to more depth brings us more peace, more peace within our communities, more peace within our connection or peace within our bodies. Yes.

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Unknown
And actually, it's the lack of peace in the body, right? Or the dysregulation of the nervous system that can lead us to want to either avoid or react and not know how to manage conflict. Yeah. So when we were talking about relationships, we were discussing how it's really the one thing that we enter this world with as being such a tool to our development.

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Unknown
And also on the other end of the spectrum, it supports our longevity. You know, we know now that people live longer that are in healthy relationships. Yeah, healthy relationships. And children learn about their own emotions through mirroring, through relationship with the caregiver that's smiling and the child smiles. And then they can feel happiness. They can feel joy.

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Unknown
They understand that in their own body because they're seeing it reflected to them exactly as someone who loves them. Yeah. And is connected to them. Yeah. So relationships are a thread throughout everything. It's so essential to peacefulness. I

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Unknown
do think that we have relationship with others before we have relationship with ourself, right? We learn that relationship with our mother.

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Unknown
We learn that relationship with those caregivers, who are, echoing the sounds we're making back to us, smiling at us and that, allows us to smile and giggle as early as 2 or 3 months of age. Yeah. And as that continues to build, we have the strength or the skills to be like, oh, I can do it within myself, maybe.

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Unknown
What is it like a year and a half, two years maybe older? When, when you can start to be like, oh, I'm, I'm not. Well, at this moment, I'm going to like, throw something. You're not understanding me. I'm going to. I'm going to like, cry and scream. I'm going to like, push my boundaries. Behavior as communication. Yeah.

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Unknown
Behaviors. Right. So that's a need for repair. Because I'm not okay. I don't have peace in my body. I need I need you to initiate repair with me. Help me understand. Yeah. Co- regulation co regulation and co regulation is such a valuable part of repair regulating is yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I love thinking about children and and adults parent child because we can we all have some form of parents and know ourselves as a child.

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Unknown
Yesterday I was talking with someone who said that we were all this big ones. You were all this big, you know? So, like, that motion of care is right here. So close we can go back to that child that we used to be in that loving way. No matter what. Like, no matter how we how or what's emerging, we can always do this right here and be like, oh, wow.

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Unknown
And I'm comforting myself as as, the child within me, and that that level of repair does start with the self. When we when we want healthy ness, we want to be well, we want peace in the body. Then we can say, and you must want that yourself. And like I can imagine that that is something that you want.

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Unknown
And we can agree to on that. And we can be seeking that for ourselves and each other. I seek that for you. I seek peace in your body. That's really important to to get to that point. And then repair becomes much more useful. Repair is natural because we've already made that connection and that intention for peace in your body and peace in my body.

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Unknown
Beautifully said. And, you know, it makes me think that there's a lot of people that didn't get that bonding. Right? Right. Because if your caregiver didn't have peace in their body, they didn't have a regulated nervous system, but they weren't present in their body or deeply connected to themselves, and they can't give it to you. Yeah. Matter how much they want to.

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Unknown
Exactly. Right. I think parents, I think all of us do the best we can with the resources we have. Right? And so if we didn't get that bonding and that connection and that, really positive mirroring of I want this for you and we're working together for a team. Yeah. Yes. And I think that reinforces repair feeling so scary for some people.

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Unknown
Right. Or just having no idea how to do it because we are social creatures. What we didn't get the bonding for is really hard to just create out of thin air with, you know, exactly, exactly. And when you or I, anyone is is feeling dysregulated, it feels like the farthest thing in the world like to to be able to do repair.

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Unknown
We need another person to be like, I got you. Yeah. I'm on your team, right? And if we have enough of that, then it can create the bonding within ourselves to be able to access it on our own. Right. We can't access it on our own. Yeah. If we've never been modeled it right, if we've never gotten support outside of our bodies, it's hard to create that level of support inside our body.

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Unknown
I like to ask for it. Yeah. So I mean, there's a lot of things here like, you just brought up the fact that a lot of people didn't get that modeling. And we're seeing now hopefully, I mean, that there's a shift happening where parents are saying suffering is is inevitable, but it's not a choice. I don't have to choose it.

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Unknown
And I don't want I don't choose it for my child. I'm not going to allow the suffering to the way that it might have been allowed for me because it doesn't, it's not making me stronger to, to be in a suffering mode, to be in a peace mode in my body, to feel peace. That's growth. That's that feels really good.

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Unknown
I can suffer with. Right. It's fine if I'm held and we're together and I'm suffering and you're with me, or you're suffering and I'm with you, I'll do that all day long. But I'm like, I choose it. I'm not gonna choose it for you. Don't choose it for me. Right. So that that's, I think a shift that's happening with parenting right now, that wasn't the way it was when my mom was a child.

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Unknown
And that's not the model she used with me. So, it was a shift that I made consciously. And I totally see it in my, my, my daughter, the choice that she's making for her children. And I do see it, in, in peers of her age. And, you know, I'm imagining that you see that as well.

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Unknown
Yeah. There's a massive shift in parenting, I think, to more presence and more gentleness. And I see a lot of parents out there that I'm, you know, working with or in relationship with, really stopping the generational wounding and trauma. Yeah. Within themselves. Exactly. Which is really challenging because our bodies hold that bonding. So when you're with a child who's having a reaction and you were met in that reaction with abuse or somebody pulled away a love, connection, safety and belonging.

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Unknown
Right? Denied you denied you love conditioned love. Yes. And then the child is in front of you exhibiting those same behaviors. Your nervous system is going to be through the roof, right? Okay. I was met with, disconnection. If this happened or I was met with abuse when this happened, or then I was made to co regulate my parent for safety when this happened.

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Unknown
And I have to feel all of that in my body and stop, ground, regulate and give my child a different response. Right. I never got that response. Yeah. And I see so many parents doing that hard work, that emotional labor, that rewiring of, okay, I'm going to take a moment and regulate myself and tend to my experience so that I can give my kid, different bonding.

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Unknown
Yeah. And I think that's a really impressive and powerful. Exactly. So we break the cycle and and we we make for will pay forward the better world we know as possible. That's right. It's it's a ripple. Yeah. The work that we're doing at an individual level is, is a ripple. Right, right. And also when we say I am, I'm, you know, we're really clear and I am making a difference in myself, I refuse I do not tolerate this this, this ease in my body.

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Unknown
We're clear on what the I'm going like this because I have a sense of. And I talk about the window of tolerance as being right here. And when we're when we're coming up here, when we can't breathe, you know, we're kind of like, the water's rising. We're outside of our window of tolerance. But if we're in our window of tolerance, we're kind of like, we're able to, feel that peace.

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Unknown
We're accessing it where we have the capacity to, to be moving around with and co regulating with another person wherever they are. But we can lose it. We can. We we can fall out of our window of tolerance. Pretty easily. So knowing it and practicing being in it and saying that is beyond what I'm willing to tolerate right now, give someone that frame.

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Unknown
Oh, okay. Thank you for sharing that with me. Right. So I love how you just said that. Yeah, I think we can't control how other people respond to us or how other people, you know, really are in relationship with us, but we can certainly control what we have a boundary to and what we're willing to tolerate. Right. And it's really empowering to know that boundaries are good.

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Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, we we can weaponize them, like, anything else to say. Oh, now you've crossed line. You're wrong. That's that's my boundary. And you cross it. And I already told you that's where my boundary is, right? That that's therapeutic language, right? Right. And that can happen for sure. Yeah. But it's you know, it's a not to get too into boundaries because I think we'll probably talk about that in another episode of How to Repair, which is the question a lot of people have.

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Unknown
But boundaries are both physical and energetic. So it's not only what we're saying no to, but it's also like what we're energetically willing to take in and digest and what we have a boundary to take in and digesting. And they're dynamic. I mean, they can be static when we're learning and we're like, okay, that's my boundary. And I've said it okay.

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Unknown
But then when we're growing beyond that boundary, we're moving it. And we can we can yeah. Be really like, oh well I'm feeling my, my boundary moving, you know. So it, it can totally be dynamic as well. Totally. I did this thing. So we're, we're talking about repair and as one would you know when when you're like oh what do you do about how do you do something.

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Unknown
You go online, you look in a search engine repair. What do you think comes up repair work? What comes to mind is like fixing something automotive. Automotive like pages and pages and pages of automotive. Okay. So it's like fixing something. Yeah. Repair. But we're not. Yeah. And it's not just a car like, it's it's the body, the the vehicle that we're in all the time.

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Unknown
And wouldn't it be amazing if the algorithms of, of the internet were responsive to life, you know, rather than, you can't make any money if I, if I just tell you how to repair your relationships online. But but if I tell you you have to repair your car and you have to bring it in, and I can charge you a bunch of money, that's okay.

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Unknown
So we're going to give you pages and pages of that. So it's it's not something you can really find easily. So come on I yeah. Better maybe maybe maybe it'll come. They gotta come. We'll just keep keep programing. But it's true that that's what comes up. Right. Is like the tangible tangible capital. Right. You know, like ways you can consume, repair, rather than practice.

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Unknown
Right. So the practice of repair is is intimate. It is ongoing. It's daily. It's it's the story that we tell ourselves. And it matters because it it is our capacity for being present. It's our capacity for being witnessing to another person,

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Unknown
When someone is, in need of a witness, if you have if your cup is full and you're feeling really resourced, you can. How are you right now and really hear the answer, really create a safe container for that person to explore what it is and name it. And when they name it, then they discover what they need.

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Unknown
Yes, in to that point and to the point of fixing something, I. I want people to know that repair is not just fixing, right? Repair is listening. Yeah, repair is creating space for the other person to feel heard and seen and witnessed. Yeah. And so much healing happens when you can come to someone and say, for whatever reason, right?

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Unknown
Could be my own stuff, could be the mood that I was in that day. But when you said that, it really landed for me in this way, we felt really painful. And I care enough about you, and I care enough about the potential for this relationship and the depth that's here to let you know that it really it really impacted me.

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Unknown
Yeah. And then to even just be heard in that. Right. So I think that's really valuable because, you know, there have been times in my own personal repair journey where I bring something to a loved one like that was really painful for me or that made me feel really left out. And it can so easily be met with defensiveness, because there is this internal belief that it's our job to fix.

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Unknown
Yeah, that repair is fixing,

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Unknown
but it can just, you know, be as simple as being heard. And, you know, when I've been met with defensiveness, actually, this is really illuminating a conversation I had with it with a girlfriend. It finally came down to her saying what would be helpful for me, right? Because I think she felt pressure to then fix it for me.

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Unknown
And then that felt really confining for her. And I didn't feel like freedom for her, and that didn't feel good. And when she asked that question, it gave me the opportunity to say just to be heard and how that felt for me and that that's valid. So she said to you, what would be helpful for you? Yeah. Because at first it was like defensiveness, right?

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Unknown
Well, this was on my plate or I was doing this. Yeah. Here's all the reasons why. Yeah. And it was eventually me saying, you don't have to fix it. That's not what I'm looking for. And then she had this really beautiful question of what would be helpful, like, what are you looking for? And I was able to say I had the opportunity to say, because she asked that question and was present with me and willing to have this conversation, but I just really want to be heard in it and seen in it and recognized in it.

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Unknown
And for her, I think it was kind of a lightbulb moment of, oh yeah, that's it. Well, I see, I can do I can see you in it. Yeah. And it felt really good to be seen in it. But I think that defensiveness that, you know, can block repair, comes up for people because it's this need to fix it.

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Unknown
And when we're talking about what is repair, it's not always fixing, right. It's creating, as you said, this safe container to be heard, to be witness, to be loved in it, to embody the belief. That it's safe to confront our loved ones. Yeah. And if and if the thought is that I need to fix and I don't feel like I know how to fix.

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Unknown
That's right. Oh my gosh. Of course that's going to fill me with fear. I'm, I'm going to be out of my element and that's dysregulated me and oh my gosh, I can't fix you. And that all that's not going to come out in words, right? But if it comes out in and body language, then the person who who needs a witness, it's going to be like it.

00:24:09:14 - 00:24:38:04
Unknown
That person's not going to be able to it. That's not safe. Yeah, that person is whether or not they're being defensive or denying, the, the, the thing that happened there in a story that says I can't be present for this. That's right. And if they have core wounding of I'm not doing enough or I'm never doing enough or I'm never right, then the layers of this stories just kind of kind of come all out right.

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Unknown
Then you can go into that avoidant or reactive place reactive, where you're kind of projecting it back onto the other person. Well, you did x, Y, and z avoidance where you're just like, there's no hope. And then it's like, this is not a safe person. This is not a confront a person. And I shut down right? Connection. Right.

00:24:53:05 - 00:25:20:23
Unknown
And I think one piece that I would love for more people to know and hold is that if someone comes to you with something deeply personal and vulnerable or you know a where they felt a contraction around your communication or shut down or hurt by something you did one, it's not personal to you. You know, nine times out of ten, the root of that is within the person, right?

00:25:20:23 - 00:25:50:03
Unknown
Right. Even if it's coming toward you as something that was your fault, right? The trigger and the root of that triggers is their experience, their story. You know what we focus their history into that. That's really an act of love to come to you to play with. I'm hurt in this way is an act of love. It says, I care enough about this relationship to do the repair with you, with you, and grow in depth and intimacy.

00:25:50:05 - 00:26:14:07
Unknown
And I trust you enough. I feel safe enough with you to bring this to you. So if we could all hold that, that if someone comes to you, right, with a vulnerable statement of, you know, some type of conflict and, and how it felt for them that it's an act of love and that they care enough about you in a relationship to want to work on it, to want to fix it, to not want to repress it or ghost you or push you away.

00:26:14:09 - 00:26:38:04
Unknown
And that is, you know, that's a gift. It is a gift. It really, really is. And to then resist, once you're able to have that frame of, oh, this is this is a special, trusting gift and an opportunity for us to, to be together once, once we've got that frame, then we can relax the body. And then the nervous system comes the spaciousness.

00:26:38:06 - 00:26:55:04
Unknown
The non verbal language starts to show more ease for the for the person that's coming. That person who is who's asking for the repair then feel supported and held and and and just that frame alone saying yes

00:26:55:06 - 00:26:57:07
Unknown
opening. Yes. I'm here

00:26:57:10 - 00:27:03:11
Unknown
for you. Even if you're struggling, you can say, I want to be here for you. I'm struggling.

00:27:03:11 - 00:27:27:07
Unknown
Can we can can I take a moment? Here's what I might need in order to be here for you. Like all of that dialog. Sometimes it feels like, that's stays in the head, that all that should just be internal conversation. But no, when it comes out into the world in, in in a conversation that's creating safety, that is the beginning of repair.

00:27:27:09 - 00:28:04:14
Unknown
Beautiful. How is your heart I want to do a heart check in and, and really like partly because this is heavy I mean really repair work. Talking about it is one thing. Being in it is such a different thing. And I, I really want to, say a prayer for the folks who are struggling, holding the positive intention for repair and, and yet not finding that to be coming forward, to not coming to fruition.

00:28:04:16 - 00:28:39:09
Unknown
I want to say a prayer for, perseverance, for resilience and for faith and believe that it is important. It is it is possible. And it and it will happen with enough, you know, effort and clarity and, you know, perfect and to have the best relationships of your life, if you can hang in there with you and, you know, really make it your intention to, master repair but engage in it.

00:28:39:09 - 00:29:16:19
Unknown
Yeah. Engaging in repair is a courageous act, but it's one where the benefits are massive. Exactly. Yeah. So, I'm looking to the heart because my heart feels full. And I also want to just offer, like, offer a heart prayer for for all who are brave and courageous in seeking repair, seeking peace in their bodies, and seeking peace in others bodies.

00:29:16:21 - 00:29:23:11
Unknown
How are you? How's your heart?

00:29:23:13 - 00:29:56:19
Unknown
Yeah, my heart feels really inspired having these conversations. They feel really hopeful and in this moment, I am feeling the potentiality for the massive ripples that can happen. Yeah, yeah. If each of us can, you know, regulate our experience enough to hang in there with each other through these hard conversations and to grow as a result. And I'm just sensing into the benefits that has for the collective and for the world.

00:29:56:21 - 00:30:24:23
Unknown
Exactly. And how the work we do internally is really collective work. Yes. Global work. When we repair the self, we repair the intimate relationships, we repair the family, we repair the community. We have repair the society. And we we repair across culture, across so many differences. Yeah. And that allows us to see similarities and build those foundations.

00:30:25:01 - 00:30:51:02
Unknown
Yeah. I always, talk about it in this way, which is really maybe oversimplified, but I think valuable. And if you're okay, then everyone else around you is a little bit more okay. Yeah. And then the world's a little bit more just kind of a bit more. Every breath, every breath can be a little bit more. Okay.

00:30:51:04 - 00:30:58:15
Unknown
Wow. Well, thanks for watching this episode three season three. Peace

00:30:58:18 - 00:31:07:14
Unknown
in the body. Mujeres Co labor for peace. We'll see you next time in How to Repair! See you next time.